I never got massages regularly until I started coming to WorkWell. But you know, life timing, I was finally financially able to do it, and when I got pregnant I was like, “Ok, totally, this is something I can do for myself once a month and not feel guilty about that”. You do so much for me physically, but also emotionally. And frankly, I think you were the first person who found out about Boone and made a point to take me aside and let me talk about it. That meant a lot. And so I thank you for that. I know that you know this in your own life, you can’t change things, and I don’t want to be tomorrow where I am today. And so you have a decision to curl up in a ball and pretend that it all goes away or to get up and move forward.
I continue to struggle a lot with the way we lost him being the co-sleeping accident. I want to warn mothers, “Don’t put your baby in your bed, and don’t sleep with them”, but I know that that’s irrational and not true, because it would be like saying “My son was killed in a car accident, don’t ever get in a car again.” That’s not reasonable. And the truth is that accidents happen. I think that’s human nature to want to find a cause and effect, to make connections, but you can’t. We don’t know how it all works together. That’s something that I think our human-ness is not capable of and doesn’t need to be.
He was 5 weeks old when we lost him. And looking back at the things we did with Boone in that 5 weeks, we went to Port Aransas twice. We took him to a Randy Rogers concert with some friends. He pretty much went everywhere with me for that five weeks. And the number of people that he met. Jamie and I went back and made a list, and it was like 60 people that weren’t family, that were friends of ours, friends like, in Corpus Christi that he would not have met if we had not gone to Port Aransas. Just the pictures on the beach of Nash and Boone. All these memories that we made in 5 really short weeks. I’m just so overwhelmed and grateful looking back.
At first it was really hard. I felt guilty about how busy we were. The first week after we lost him, I was like, “Damn, we just went and went and went and never slowed down and just had quiet time, just us in our house.” But then after I really started thinking about it and praying about it, I realized it was such a gift to have all those memories. I almost even have a hard time believing that he was even real. And I mean that in a good way. He was just so unexpected. And so much about him was almost supernatural. It took us a year and a half to get pregnant with Nash. We got pregnant with Boone on the very first time we even tried. Before we were even trying. And we’ve been trying again for 6 months now. From the instant he was conceived he was so much in such a small amount of time and in a tiny little person.
Another thing I struggled with was being ok with letting time pass and healing, because I felt like every day that passed was more and more time between where I am right now and when I was with him. Every little bit that I healed was just because it was one day longer, and I was one day further away from him. And that was really holding up my healing process. I grew up surrounded by people and a culture of faith and Christian religion, and I kind of knew all the right answers and memorized the stuff you were supposed to memorize. I’ve always had a regular habit of going to church on Sunday mornings. I think that was a good foundation, but this whole process has taught me to lean. Just simple things like the overwhelming sadness. And really being conscious of accepting God’s love through this whole process. That it’s not punishment, and it’s not cause and effect. But bad things happen and it doesn’t change who God is. It only changes, as much as we will let it, our perception of who he is. And I can either allow events like this to push him further away, or I can allow them to bring me closer to God. And open myself up. And be vulnerable. Not just go through the motions and just do it, because it was what I grew up being told was the right thing to do. But doing it because it’s real.
I kind of feel like it’s pitch black around me, and I’ve got this tiny little flashlight that shows what’s under my feet right now. I don’t know what’s coming or what’s around the corner, or what’s going to fall in my path to trip over or whatever. But I can see right here right now, and I know I’m taking steps forward. I don’t know what it’s going to be tomorrow, or what tomorrow will look like, but I know I won’t be where I was.
I want to share my story and Boone’s story, because that’s what keeps him significant. That’s what makes his life matter. If I never talked about it again, then his life was 5 weeks and that was it, that 5 weeks. But being able to share. And to grow personally and share that experience, be open and vulnerable about that, is what keeps his life present. And so I’ve spent hours and hours and hours, you know, in the car, in the shower by myself, wondering what venue God is going to bring in my life to share what I’m supposed to share with the people I’m supposed to share it with. And that’s what he’s doing.
About Humans of WorkWell
Humans of WorkWell is our take on the popular “Humans of New York” Facebook spotlight. In Humans of WorkWell we spotlight a WorkWell customer and their current journey, philosophy, mood, or general good advice for life. If you’d like to be featured in our Humans of WorkWell series contact us today.